Tonight, I will list my Top 10 articles written by a Mr. Daniel O’Brien for Cracked.com. If you have never read any of his articles, this is a great place to start. From Miley Cyrus to a new reality show called
Crimes Against Humanity Bridalplasty, there is something for everyone.
10. DOB writes a number of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus articles with the intent to destroy her.
Okay. Already I’m cheating. Because DOB wrote so many articles about Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus, and I’m throwing them all together at number 10, because they were all hilarious. He even challenged her to a bare-knuckle boxing match. I can’t stand Miley Cyrus. Or her gigantic teeth. And DOB is merciless. If you don’t feel like glancing at most of these, that’s fine. But I think you should take a look at my favorite, where DOB warns the Church of Scientology about the evils of Miley Cyrus and why they would not want her to be a part of their organization. That’s called killing two birds with one huge satirical boulder.
9. DOB claims that Jersey Shore is the worst thing to happen to the East Coast since 9/11.
Again, he has a history of writing about the show known as Jersey Shore. However, his best work was giving a quick rundown of each of the characters right around the time the show first started airing on MTV. One of the best moments in the article is when Dan O’Brien realizes that he actually went to high school with one of the girls on the show (Sammi “Sweetheart”), since he grew up in New Jersey himself.
8. DOB discusses the phenomenon known as “Icing”.
What is Icing? DOB explains that it usually involves frat boys and hipsters, and it always involves Smirnoff Ice. So, basically, most sane people with any kind of taste would want nothing to do with this drinking game.
7. DOB watches a number of popular (?) reality tv shows and, to this day, regrets it.
I think this was pre-Jersey Shore. Here he discusses shows like The Hills, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and The Cougar. He does not discuss I’m a Celebrity, Now Get Me Outta Here! because that’s where he draws the line.
6. DOB speculates that Kanye West might actually be retarded, not just acting like it.
While this was not the first article DOB wrote about Kanye West, it was the more hilarious of the two. This was actually written before he ran on stage and infamously grabbed the mic from Taylor Swift during the VMAs, and then threw a fit on the Today Show when Matt Lauer showed a clip (starting at around 5:50) of that moment during an interview with Kanye. In this article, DOB focuses on Kanye’s remarks about George Bush during the Katrina disaster, and a book of quotes written by Kanye West, because he feels that he is often misquoted. However, the best part of the article, in my opinion, is when DOB discusses Kanye’s “little baby tourettes”.
5. DOB watches the Glenn Beck Comedy Tour. Yes, you read that correctly.
Glenn Beck had a comedy tour? I’m just throwing it out there, it wasn’t funny. He makes fun of Ed Asner. The guy that did the voice for Carl Frederiksen in Up. You can’t make fun of Ed Asner! What did Ed Asner ever do to Glenn Beck?
4. DOB is disgusted with humanity after reflecting on the new show called Bridalplasty.
These are bad women. They’re just really terrible people. They have each found men that look past their infinite flaws and want to marry them. But that isn’t enough for these women. Enter Bridalplasty, a show that let’s these brides-to-be compete for plastic surgery before their big day. It’s just awful. I’ve glimpsed this show briefly, and it’s a new low. That’s an amazing thing to say considering the reality shows aired on VH1, but it’s true.
3. DOB listens to the song “Miracles” by Insane Clown Posse and refutes their claim that any of the things discussed in that song are actually miracles.
I didn’t even know the Insane Clown Posse was still around. But apparently they do still exist and, unfortunately, still make music. I can’t even properly summarize this article unless you have listened to the song and/or watched the music video. Please go do that now. I assure you, the article is worth it.
2. DOB writes what should have been Tiger Woods’s apology.
He’s Tiger Woods. Come on. For a very brief time, he made golfing cool and almost interesting. Give the guy a break.
1. DOB spends a lot of time thinking about what he would do if he were ever locked in a room with his clone.
To fight or to… carnally pleasure. He makes a great argument for both sides. You can also see what he does when the opportunity arises in the second season of Agents of Cracked.
DOB writes a user review for the first talking sex robot.
He is, after all, a credentialed Investigative Sex Journalist. Also, he discusses his robot fetish. Whether he actually tested this thing out is for you to decide.
DOB was actually trapped with the other Chilean coal miners last year.
Not too many people know this, but there was a 34th miner trapped in that mine. This article recounts what actually happened down there.
DOB applies Andrew WK’s Twitter to his life.
I never knew Andrew WK’s Twitter was so interesting. There are a lot of life lessons to be learned from his tweets.
DOB watches the 2003 movie called Tiptoes.
This is another one that’s really hard to describe, but I’m going to give it a shot. This is a movie starring Kate Beckinsale and Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey’s character is hiding a deep secret from his pregnant wife. What is that secret? Well, it turns out that his entire family has the condition known as dwarfism. They are little people. And Kate Beckinsale is absolutely horrified when she finds out. She doesn’t know what to do or how to deal with the fact that her child could be born a dwarf. Also Gary Oldman (Commissioner Gordon from Batman Begins and The Dark Night) plays Matthew McConaughey’s dwarf twin brother. You should probably just read the Dan O’Brien article. I just can’t do the movie justice.
If you’ve enjoyed any of these, I suggest checking Cracked.com on every Friday for a new article by Daniel O’Brien.
I did take a photo for today, but I’m using a different one instead.
- A Photo from August 2009
This is a photo of the house in which Daniel’s family stays on Bald Head Island. Unfortunately, this year I might not be able to make the trip. This makes me pretty sad, but there will be other years, I hope.